In my recent posts I've battled between having faith and giving up. My last post felt like faith had won, like things were finally clear to me as far as what I had to do and how I had to go about doing that. Just when I thought it was okay, not great, not even good, but just okay, something else comes along to fuck life up.
I feel like a brat, like such an ungrateful person, but why can't things go right for more than just one day? My shoulders are slumped over and all I want to do is give up. I want to throw in the white flag and scream to whoever the hell it is that's making these days just shittier and shittier, you win! You fucking win!
I've been trying to get my life together for six months! I've been applying to so many jobs, lowering my expectations, sleeping on couches with my kid. Depending on others to help me get by, not being able to take care of myself and my daughter like I should. I feel like the breadwinner who's had to swallow their pride and let someone else do what their supposed to be able to do for their family.
Every interview that I've been on leaves me feeling like I did such a great job, like I will get that call to say we want you, only to leave me deflated two weeks later when not a phone call, not even an email rolls in to say yay or nay. I had money, enough money to start a new life, to be able to get things comfortably, but after six months of not working that money is gone. And unemployment, yeah I have had that too. Until I saw my most recent check telling me that I only had one week's pay remaining. Oh and yeah I have two wait two weeks before I can claim that and then when I receive my "last" check, yeah here's the great part I need to call them to tell them that I have no money and I need an extension. And if, but only if I qualify then I will get an extension and I only have to wait an additional week to get a new check, but if only if I qualify.
I was supposed to move to my own place on March 1st. Yeah that's about a week and a half away. But I have to wait about three weeks first to see if I'll even qualify for additional unemployment. And maybe life will be fabulous and I'll get a job before then! Yeah cause 7 months should do the trick! Today the glass isn't half full it's fucking empty. I can't anymore! So whoever was out there rooting for the other team, congrats! I give the fuck up!
Things are a little better today. This is progress and I hope to keep this up for long, because sometimes the ups & downs make me a little crazy wondering if there is something seriously wrong with me. It's crazy how when you are at the point of questioning faith and hope, God has a way of proving himself. The signs have been everywhere for me this week. I have a sister who has been an amazing friend and listener. No matter how much I've cried and complained this week she has never said a negative word. I know I've been a pain in the ass and I'm so glad that she's been able to understand that I just need someone to listen right now. I love her to death and I pray everyday that I can be just as patient and understanding should she ever need me in the same way.
Yesterday was not an easy day for me. As much as I want to say Valentine's is just a day for the retailers to make that extra cash, to me it's also a day to just celebrate an intimate love. I haven't had a valentine for so long so it sucks when that day comes around to remind me once more just how single I am. But my focus right now needs to be on other things so I need to learn to let time take its course and just live, live, live!!
Last night I chose a random bedtime story on my kindle to read my daughter l and it spoke about a girl who lost hope and became so angry and mean & depressed. While my daughter was enjoying the pictures and the story about this good witch gone bad, I was reflecting and relating so much to this character. All she needed was someone to believe in her, to give her a chance to be herself again because she had stopped believing in herself. This girl in the story, in so many ways is me. In the end hope brought her back. This is God people, telling me that no matter what hold on, because he has never forsaken me and he never will. I don't have everything that I want right now and there is so much that I need to happen in order for me to survive life in Florida and provide for my daughter, but I have everything that I need right now. I always do and every surprise phone call, email or message otherwise delivered shows me each day that everything will be okay.
Happy Friday
I'm existing. I wake up every morning at 7:50AM and I get her ready for school. I make sure that her body is fresh, her teeth are brushed, that she has on her best outfit, her hair is combed and she's had breakfast. I make sure that she gets to school on time, some days we're late, but I've done a pretty good job of being on time for the most part. I walk her to the front doors, I kiss her good bye and then I start my day. Only there's nothing to really start.
Some days I remember to eat breakfast, some days I remember to smile and be thankful. Some days like Fridays I look forward to her coming home from school so that I can do something exciting for her, maybe get out the house and live a little. Everyday I check my email, I wait for a phone call with an offer, or maybe just an interview. Everyday I search the internet for new jobs, everyday I apply, I write cover letters, and I re-do my resume hoping that this new change will make the difference that all of the other 50 didn't. Everyday I lose just a little bit more hope that this great big dream I had is really going to come true.
Every single day this year I've cried, every single day I've wiped my tears and dried my face so that she'll never know just how hard this is for me, just how worried I am, or how sad I've become. When it's time to pick her up every afternoon from school I'm there with what I can muster up to call a smile. I hug her, ask her about her day. I am happy that my sadness hasn't overshadowed her ability to enjoy life, to live. I am glad that she has an escape. We come home and do homework, some days go to the park. I make sure she has dinner, sometimes I remember to eat mine. She looks forward to tomorrow and the exciting day she'll have at school...and I count the hours until bed time because I just want this day to be over like the one before and others before that. So that I can wake up and do the same thing all over again, so that I can make sure she lives, while I exist.
