Letting Go

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber

I have spent too much of my life trying to fix relationships that were in no way fixable. I’ve done it with family, I’ve done it with friends and I’ve done it with lovers. I’ve fought to make things work, to make things better, to make people stay, to make them want me, and love me. In the end the ones who wanted to be there were and the others, well they walked away like I meant nothing. That has been hard for me to accept and be okay with. Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that I have no fault in how some of these relationships ended. Like most people I’ve made mistakes, I’ve taken others for granted and I accept my share of the blame. In some situations however I feel like I’ve been a good friend, or girlfriend or good person overall. I feel like I’ve wished for the best for others, but haven’t gotten that in return. When I love, I love hard. When I care, I care with everything inside of me. I want the same in return. I know that we are supposed to give without any expectations, I get it, but it’s not right when you constantly give of yourself to others and never get any form of appreciation, any love, or an equal friendship back in return.

I’m tired of trying to make new friends and build new relationships only to end up being hurt by them in the end. I am done. The friends that are in my life right now are the friends that will remain there. I have no space in my heart for new ones, I have no tears left to be built up and then broken. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care, I do. If you ever need me and called I would still be there. But I will not call you and apologize for what I have not done. I will not beg anyone to be a friend because if you were you would know that I’m hurting, you would know that this is wrong. It’s ok, I get it. People have their own lives and their own agendas. It’s time I followed mine just the same. I wish you nothing but the best, always. But I am closing this chapter.

I am done. The END.

First Lost Tooth

My baby girl lost her first tooth last night. It had been hanging on for dear life for about two weeks now and I decided that it was time to go lol. I told her I wanted to see how loose it was and when I pulled on it, it just popped out. She was freaked out and super excited and couldn’t stop staring at her mouth in the mirror. She was even more excited about the tooth fairy. Me on the other hand….not so much. See I had absolutely no cash on me, not that the bank would make a difference because the funds are extremely low there too. This meant I had to get creative. I wanted her experience to be a good one, memorable because I don’t have many tooth fairy memories, if any at all.

We put her tooth in a zip lock bag and marked it for the tooth fairy. She placed it under her pillow and was fast asleep, then I got to work. I searched hi and low around the house for any change I could find. I managed to gather $1.25 (sorry kid, this tooth fairy doesn’t hand out $5 bills). I remembered that we had some left over jitter glitter from the first day of school, thanks to her awesome teacher. I also found a small candy bar and some pink gift wrap tissue paper. I cut the paper in a little square, put the money in the middle, sprinkled some glitter in there, wrapped it up and tied the candy bar around it with some curly ribbon. It actually ended up being a cute little pouch. After I placed it under her pillow I prayed that it would make her smile. I knew it wasn’t much, but I did the best I could with what I had. I swear sometimes as parents we go crazy trying to make things perfect for our kids.

I woke up super late this morning in a mad rush to get us ready and out the door. I woke her up and ran to the bathroom and I heard her yell mom!!! When she came into the bathroom she had the biggest smile on her face and held the little pink pouch in her hand. “The tooth fairy came mom, look it’s so awesome!” A wave of relief washed over me, I was so happy that she was happy and then I realized my daughter is so appreciative of everything that she has, even the little things. I was so worried that she would think it wasn’t enough, but I’ve raised her to be thankful for all that we get no matter how big or small and this morning her excitement over the small pink pouch with $1.25 and some glitter showed me that I’m doing a good job at it.

I dropped her off at school with the biggest smile on her face, I’m pretty sure she just wanted to show off her missing tooth J. I made it to work 30 minutes late, but her smile this morning was worth it all. I’ve been doing this on my own for six years now and while everyone has said that the early years are the hardest, I’ve been feeling like the hard parts are coming now. I’m doing my best to make sure that she knows that I’m here for her no matter what. I may not be the perfect mother, but I’m hoping that when she thinks back to days like these she knows that she is my world and everything I am doing is for her to be happy.

First Days

It has been exciting to see so many posts this month about the first day of school. The first day of school no matter how old you are or whether it’s pre-school, kindergarten, high school or college is a very exciting day for most. This year Nia is in first grade and while she’s been a little luke warm about this school year I know that it’s just a matter of time before she starts babbling on and on about how great her days have been. The most exciting part for me about the start of this school year was no tears!

When she started kindergarten, I was not allowed to walk her to class on her first day. She cried so hard because she had no idea what was going on and I ended up crying too because I felt so bad. I knew that she would be OK, and that they would take good care of her, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to just grab her and run. I’m glad that sometimes we are forced to do certain things in order to grow and learn from them because honestly if it was up to me I would keep Nia in a bubble all to myself. Off course that wouldn’t help her, so off she goes to explore.

I want her to be able to go out there and meet friends and develop into a well-rounded individual. I think all parents want the best of the best for their kids and I am no different. I want her to have an amazing childhood and to continue to grow and experience all that life has to offer. I don’t want her to be limited by anything or anyone. I am working on helping her to be confident and not afraid to take on anything that life throws her and that means me not being afraid of doing things myself.

Nia I have watched you go from a bouncing baby to an amazing little girl. You are beautiful inside and out, so patient and kind and helpful in every way. You are curious about what the world has to offer and so very eager to learn and I hope and pray that you continue on this path to great things. I love you my little butterfly!

                                                                  

Pre-School St.Croix 2011

Nia's First Day of Kindergarten 2012

Nia's First Day of First Grade 2013

Quote of the Day - September 3rd

"I am learning everyday to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me."
-Tracee Ellis Ross

I saw this on Alishan's tumblr and had to re post. This has really been an ongoing struggle for me. I have to believe that there is a reason for everything that has happened and all that is yet to happen. I need to use it, learn from it, grow from it and most of all not be terrified of it. I have so many decisions to make and so many questions still unanswered, but I need to remember that while I am figuring it all out I must continue to live each day with love and inspiration. In the end, I just want to be happy!

Labor Day

I'm trying to make sure that I take advantage of the time I have to spend with my daughter and make sure that we get to do fun things and create memories that she will be able to cherish for a lifetime. One of the good things about Orlando when it comes to kids is Disney. I was very fortunate to be able to get an annual pass when I first moved here and boy has it paid off! We've been to Magic Kingdom alone over a dozen times and every single time has been completely different. While for me sometimes it can get old, I love seeing the look on my daughters face every time she rides the tea cup ride or prince charming's carousel. Time flies when it comes to kids growing up and the older she gets I know that eventually the magic will wear off. For now I take comfort in knowing that she'll be able to look back and remember all of our amazing trips to Disney.

This weekend was a perfect one to get out and have some fun. On Friday I surprised her after school and we headed to Magic Kingdom. We only got to enjoy it for about an hour before the rain started, but we still managed to take in the magic of it all. Her favorite part about Friday's outing? Dancing in the rain off course. On Saturday we went out to the pool and soaked up the sun and on Sunday we relaxed at home, watched a few movies and just spent quality time together. 

While I enjoy being at home, my kid loves to be out and about so I knew that I had to get her out to do something on Monday. The day started off sunny & bright, so it was perfect to be out. I gave her an option Animal Kingdom or Hollywood Studious? She chose Animal Kingdom, we packed her snacks and I fed her lunch at home and we were on our way. We don't usually do Animal Kingdom, but I'm so glad that we did yesterday. We did the river rapids and got soaked, then we rode the safari and got to see some really cool animals including a baby Giraffe that was only 4 weeks old! We also took the train out to the conservation station where Nia learned about helping animals and she was also given a wilderness explorer book (her favorite part) and was able to earn badges for completing different activities throughout the park. We ended the day with Finding Nemo the musical which was amazing and then headed home to eat dinner, cuddle up and watch a movie and then get ready for school the next day. 

The weekend was not perfect, but it was perfect for us. I was so happy to know that she had a great time and while I can't give her much right now I know that I can always give her my time.

My Update

Since it has been six months since I last blogged I've decided to do an update on what has been going on in the 6 months that I've been MIA. (WARNING! This post is probably going to be long and all over the place and I'm probably going to complain A LOT! I'm not apologizing, this is how I've been feeling)

I finally got an HR job in March of this year, which should be great news, but my experience has not been the greatest. I won't mention the company because I don't want to cause any problems. It's not a bad company and I think for the people who want to do what we do, it's a great fit. For me not so much. The job has not been very challenging for me, it felt like more of a data entry job and I feel like at this point in my life I want to play a more important role with my career. It has been hard to feel at home here, can't really explain it. I made one work friend and she has been really great, but besides that I just don't feel like I belong here.

Most recently the company has been going through some budget cuts since new legislation has changed the way we make our money and a lot of people have been let go. I got the news that my position was being eliminated and I was given a choice to either take the package which was about a month of pay or to accept a position as an admin which meant that I would be taking a pay cut and would no longer be in HR. I had to think in survival mode because at the end of the day I have a six year old daughter whom I support on my own so I decided that while I didn't want to go into an admin role, I needed to do what would put food on the table. I've been in this new role for 3 weeks and again have been struggling to feel like this is where I need to be. I want to be challenged, I want to have that aha moment. I know that most people don't love every aspect of their job, but this is the first time ever in life that I have absolutely hated a job from day 1. 

Working here has made me question my interest in HR and my career path all together. I feel so lost right now, unsure of every decision I make and unsure of what my future is supposed to be. I don't have a work/home life balance. I don't have a happy place to go home to that makes work a little less stressful. It has been quite the year of hopelessness for me. The one thing that continues to bring me joy is my daughter, but I know that I shouldn't rely on her as my only source of joy. I have to get better so that she can grow up happy & healthy and I am struggling with that.

I've been here in Orlando for 10 months and I've really struggled to make it work. No matter how much I have tried to change the way I think or my perspective on it, it just isn't getting any better. I've realized that Florida may not the place for me and I am trying to figure out my next move. I really miss Atlanta, it was home for 9 years. The choice right now is between Georgia or back home to the Virgin Islands. Unfortunately the economy is not that great in the Virgin Islands right now with companies closing everyday. I'm hoping to get back to Atlanta sometime in the next year. Financially right now it's hard to imagine that, but I do know that for my health and sanity I cannot stay in Florida. So regardless I will be making a move.

So yep, basically not much has changed for me as far as where I was then emotionally to now, except that maybe it's gotten worse. Everyday is a challenge for me. I'm working on changing that. I hope to be able to share not just bad days, but good ones too. It's a work in progress once again...

It's okay, that I'm not okay and I won't apologize for it

It's been a little over six months since I wrote my last post. In a sense I gave up on it. I felt like why keep writing when all you have is negativity to write? Why keep writing when no one else is reading? I needed some time, I needed that space and who knows it may take me another six months after this post to write another one, but who cares? This blog is for me, it has always been for me. A way to put my thoughts out there and be able to come back and reflect. To see how far I've come or maybe to see that I'm still in the same place I was six months ago, but it's for me so that's ok.

I enjoy writing even when it's not always positive, at least I get to say what's in my head. Get it out so that other thoughts can be formed. I enjoy using my blog to visit others that I have saved in my favorites. I get a glimpse in to their worlds, sometimes live vicariously through these amazingly talented women. I have hope that one day my writing will have more meaning, that one day I too will have amazing stories and memories and laughter. I've realized that in order to do that I need to keep writing, so I will. Even if it takes 100 sad posts to get to that 1 happy one. I will keep going.

Where's the fat lady? She can start singing now!

In my recent posts I've battled between having faith and giving up. My last post felt like faith had won, like things were finally clear to me as far as what I had to do and how I had to go about doing that. Just when I thought it was okay, not great, not even good, but just okay, something else comes along to fuck life up. 

I feel like a brat, like such an ungrateful person, but why can't things go right for more than just one day? My shoulders are slumped over and all I want to do is give up. I want to throw in the white flag and scream to whoever the hell it is that's making these days just shittier and shittier, you win! You fucking win!

I've been trying to get my life together for six months! I've been applying to so many jobs, lowering my expectations, sleeping on couches with my kid. Depending on others to help me get by, not being able to take care of myself and my daughter like I should. I feel like the breadwinner who's had to swallow their pride and let someone else do what their supposed to be able to do for their family. 

Every interview that I've been on leaves me feeling like I did such a great job, like I will get that call to say we want you, only to leave me deflated two weeks later when not a phone call, not even an email rolls in to say yay or nay. I had money, enough money to start a new life, to be able to get things comfortably, but after six months of not working that money is gone. And unemployment, yeah I have had that too. Until I saw my most recent check telling me that I only had one week's pay remaining. Oh and yeah I have two wait two weeks before I can claim that and then when I receive my "last" check, yeah here's the great part I need to call them to tell them that I have no money and I need an extension. And if, but only if I qualify then I will get an extension and I only have to wait an additional week to get a new check, but if only if I qualify. 

I was supposed to move to my own place on March 1st. Yeah that's about a week and a half away. But I have to wait about three weeks first to see if I'll even qualify for additional unemployment. And maybe life will be fabulous and I'll get a job before then! Yeah cause 7 months should do the trick! Today the glass isn't half full it's fucking empty. I can't anymore! So whoever was out there rooting for the other team, congrats! I give the fuck up!

Not when I want it, but always when I need it

Things are a little better today. This is progress and I hope to keep this up for long, because sometimes the ups & downs make me a little crazy wondering if there is something seriously wrong with me. It's crazy how when you are at the point of questioning faith and hope, God has a way of proving himself. The signs have been everywhere for me this week. I have a sister who has been an amazing friend and listener. No matter how much I've cried and complained this week she has never said a negative word. I know I've been a pain in the ass and I'm so glad that she's been able to understand that I just need someone to listen right now. I love her to death and I pray everyday that I can be just as patient and understanding should she ever need me in the same way. 

 Yesterday was not an easy day for me. As much as I want to say Valentine's is just a day for the retailers to make that extra cash, to me it's also a day to just celebrate an intimate love. I haven't had a valentine for so long so it sucks when that day comes around to remind me once more just how single I am. But my focus right now needs to be on other things so I need to learn to let time take its course and just live, live, live!! 

Last night I chose a random bedtime story on my kindle to read my daughter l and it spoke about a girl who lost hope and became so angry and mean & depressed. While my daughter was enjoying the pictures and the story about this good witch gone bad, I was reflecting and relating so much to this character. All she needed was someone to believe in her, to give her a chance to be herself again because she had stopped believing in herself. This girl in the story, in so many ways is me. In the end hope brought her back. This is God people, telling me that no matter what hold on, because he has never forsaken me and he never will. I don't have everything that I want right now and there is so much that I need to happen in order for me to survive life in Florida and provide for my daughter, but I have everything that I need right now. I always do and every surprise phone call, email or message otherwise delivered shows me each day that everything will be okay.

Happy Friday

Existing

I'm existing. I wake up every morning at 7:50AM and I get her ready for school. I make sure that her body is fresh, her teeth are brushed, that she has on her best outfit, her hair is combed and she's had breakfast. I make sure that she gets to school on time, some days we're late, but I've done a pretty good job of being on time for the most part. I walk her to the front doors, I kiss her good bye and then I start my day. Only there's nothing to really start.

Some days I remember to eat breakfast, some days I remember to smile and be thankful. Some days like Fridays I look forward to her coming home from school so that I can do something exciting for her, maybe get out the house and live a little. Everyday I check my email, I wait for a phone call with an offer, or  maybe just an interview. Everyday I search the internet for new jobs, everyday I apply, I write cover letters, and I re-do my resume hoping that this new change will make the difference that all of the other 50 didn't. Everyday I lose just a little bit more hope that this great big dream I had is really going to come true.

Every single day this year I've cried, every single day I've wiped my tears and dried my face so that she'll never know just how hard this is for me, just how worried I am, or how sad I've become. When it's time to pick her up every afternoon from school I'm there with what I can muster up to call a smile. I hug her, ask her about her day. I am happy that my sadness hasn't overshadowed her ability to enjoy life, to live. I am glad that she has an escape. We come home and do homework, some days go to the park. I make sure she has dinner, sometimes I remember to eat mine. She looks forward to tomorrow and the exciting day she'll have at school...and I count the hours until bed time because I just want this day to be over like the one before and others before that. So that I can wake up and do the same thing all over again, so that I can make sure she lives, while I exist.