Letting Go

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber

I have spent too much of my life trying to fix relationships that were in no way fixable. I’ve done it with family, I’ve done it with friends and I’ve done it with lovers. I’ve fought to make things work, to make things better, to make people stay, to make them want me, and love me. In the end the ones who wanted to be there were and the others, well they walked away like I meant nothing. That has been hard for me to accept and be okay with. Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that I have no fault in how some of these relationships ended. Like most people I’ve made mistakes, I’ve taken others for granted and I accept my share of the blame. In some situations however I feel like I’ve been a good friend, or girlfriend or good person overall. I feel like I’ve wished for the best for others, but haven’t gotten that in return. When I love, I love hard. When I care, I care with everything inside of me. I want the same in return. I know that we are supposed to give without any expectations, I get it, but it’s not right when you constantly give of yourself to others and never get any form of appreciation, any love, or an equal friendship back in return.

I’m tired of trying to make new friends and build new relationships only to end up being hurt by them in the end. I am done. The friends that are in my life right now are the friends that will remain there. I have no space in my heart for new ones, I have no tears left to be built up and then broken. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care, I do. If you ever need me and called I would still be there. But I will not call you and apologize for what I have not done. I will not beg anyone to be a friend because if you were you would know that I’m hurting, you would know that this is wrong. It’s ok, I get it. People have their own lives and their own agendas. It’s time I followed mine just the same. I wish you nothing but the best, always. But I am closing this chapter.

I am done. The END.

First Lost Tooth

My baby girl lost her first tooth last night. It had been hanging on for dear life for about two weeks now and I decided that it was time to go lol. I told her I wanted to see how loose it was and when I pulled on it, it just popped out. She was freaked out and super excited and couldn’t stop staring at her mouth in the mirror. She was even more excited about the tooth fairy. Me on the other hand….not so much. See I had absolutely no cash on me, not that the bank would make a difference because the funds are extremely low there too. This meant I had to get creative. I wanted her experience to be a good one, memorable because I don’t have many tooth fairy memories, if any at all.

We put her tooth in a zip lock bag and marked it for the tooth fairy. She placed it under her pillow and was fast asleep, then I got to work. I searched hi and low around the house for any change I could find. I managed to gather $1.25 (sorry kid, this tooth fairy doesn’t hand out $5 bills). I remembered that we had some left over jitter glitter from the first day of school, thanks to her awesome teacher. I also found a small candy bar and some pink gift wrap tissue paper. I cut the paper in a little square, put the money in the middle, sprinkled some glitter in there, wrapped it up and tied the candy bar around it with some curly ribbon. It actually ended up being a cute little pouch. After I placed it under her pillow I prayed that it would make her smile. I knew it wasn’t much, but I did the best I could with what I had. I swear sometimes as parents we go crazy trying to make things perfect for our kids.

I woke up super late this morning in a mad rush to get us ready and out the door. I woke her up and ran to the bathroom and I heard her yell mom!!! When she came into the bathroom she had the biggest smile on her face and held the little pink pouch in her hand. “The tooth fairy came mom, look it’s so awesome!” A wave of relief washed over me, I was so happy that she was happy and then I realized my daughter is so appreciative of everything that she has, even the little things. I was so worried that she would think it wasn’t enough, but I’ve raised her to be thankful for all that we get no matter how big or small and this morning her excitement over the small pink pouch with $1.25 and some glitter showed me that I’m doing a good job at it.

I dropped her off at school with the biggest smile on her face, I’m pretty sure she just wanted to show off her missing tooth J. I made it to work 30 minutes late, but her smile this morning was worth it all. I’ve been doing this on my own for six years now and while everyone has said that the early years are the hardest, I’ve been feeling like the hard parts are coming now. I’m doing my best to make sure that she knows that I’m here for her no matter what. I may not be the perfect mother, but I’m hoping that when she thinks back to days like these she knows that she is my world and everything I am doing is for her to be happy.

First Days

It has been exciting to see so many posts this month about the first day of school. The first day of school no matter how old you are or whether it’s pre-school, kindergarten, high school or college is a very exciting day for most. This year Nia is in first grade and while she’s been a little luke warm about this school year I know that it’s just a matter of time before she starts babbling on and on about how great her days have been. The most exciting part for me about the start of this school year was no tears!

When she started kindergarten, I was not allowed to walk her to class on her first day. She cried so hard because she had no idea what was going on and I ended up crying too because I felt so bad. I knew that she would be OK, and that they would take good care of her, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to just grab her and run. I’m glad that sometimes we are forced to do certain things in order to grow and learn from them because honestly if it was up to me I would keep Nia in a bubble all to myself. Off course that wouldn’t help her, so off she goes to explore.

I want her to be able to go out there and meet friends and develop into a well-rounded individual. I think all parents want the best of the best for their kids and I am no different. I want her to have an amazing childhood and to continue to grow and experience all that life has to offer. I don’t want her to be limited by anything or anyone. I am working on helping her to be confident and not afraid to take on anything that life throws her and that means me not being afraid of doing things myself.

Nia I have watched you go from a bouncing baby to an amazing little girl. You are beautiful inside and out, so patient and kind and helpful in every way. You are curious about what the world has to offer and so very eager to learn and I hope and pray that you continue on this path to great things. I love you my little butterfly!

                                                                  

Pre-School St.Croix 2011

Nia's First Day of Kindergarten 2012

Nia's First Day of First Grade 2013

Quote of the Day - September 3rd

"I am learning everyday to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me."
-Tracee Ellis Ross

I saw this on Alishan's tumblr and had to re post. This has really been an ongoing struggle for me. I have to believe that there is a reason for everything that has happened and all that is yet to happen. I need to use it, learn from it, grow from it and most of all not be terrified of it. I have so many decisions to make and so many questions still unanswered, but I need to remember that while I am figuring it all out I must continue to live each day with love and inspiration. In the end, I just want to be happy!

Labor Day

I'm trying to make sure that I take advantage of the time I have to spend with my daughter and make sure that we get to do fun things and create memories that she will be able to cherish for a lifetime. One of the good things about Orlando when it comes to kids is Disney. I was very fortunate to be able to get an annual pass when I first moved here and boy has it paid off! We've been to Magic Kingdom alone over a dozen times and every single time has been completely different. While for me sometimes it can get old, I love seeing the look on my daughters face every time she rides the tea cup ride or prince charming's carousel. Time flies when it comes to kids growing up and the older she gets I know that eventually the magic will wear off. For now I take comfort in knowing that she'll be able to look back and remember all of our amazing trips to Disney.

This weekend was a perfect one to get out and have some fun. On Friday I surprised her after school and we headed to Magic Kingdom. We only got to enjoy it for about an hour before the rain started, but we still managed to take in the magic of it all. Her favorite part about Friday's outing? Dancing in the rain off course. On Saturday we went out to the pool and soaked up the sun and on Sunday we relaxed at home, watched a few movies and just spent quality time together. 

While I enjoy being at home, my kid loves to be out and about so I knew that I had to get her out to do something on Monday. The day started off sunny & bright, so it was perfect to be out. I gave her an option Animal Kingdom or Hollywood Studious? She chose Animal Kingdom, we packed her snacks and I fed her lunch at home and we were on our way. We don't usually do Animal Kingdom, but I'm so glad that we did yesterday. We did the river rapids and got soaked, then we rode the safari and got to see some really cool animals including a baby Giraffe that was only 4 weeks old! We also took the train out to the conservation station where Nia learned about helping animals and she was also given a wilderness explorer book (her favorite part) and was able to earn badges for completing different activities throughout the park. We ended the day with Finding Nemo the musical which was amazing and then headed home to eat dinner, cuddle up and watch a movie and then get ready for school the next day. 

The weekend was not perfect, but it was perfect for us. I was so happy to know that she had a great time and while I can't give her much right now I know that I can always give her my time.